My fall semester of sophomore year proved much more challenging than the two semesters in freshman year combined. Not only did I have a much more rigorous class schedule (I was talking to one of my professors and he called fall semester sophomore year, the Boot camp phase for musical theatre majors), God was also challenging me in new ways that I have never experienced. And he has not backed down since.
As you may or may not have read in my "About Me" section, I am involved with Intervarsity Christian Fellowship. A great organization that spans the nation of college campuses. Every fall, each state has a conference, and for Florida we go to "Sonburst." Appropriate title as we are the sunshine state. Ever since last fall, which was my first christian conference ever, I was psyched to go back, as I was on fire for God. I had never received him in such a way as I did that weekend. Just three days totally transformed my life. So entering this year, I had no doubt in my mind that God would show up, and appropriately or ironically, the conference was centered around God's love.
My mantra for the weekend became: Shatter my world. And as I continuously prayed this, I had no idea how shattered I would become. At the end of the weekend, I knew God was telling me that he was the only being I could rely on, for anything. For happiness, for peace of mind, for advice, for comfort, and for brutal honesty. I could and can find from him all of that and so much more. When everyone else fails me, He doesn't. Because I ask him not to. A pretty simple revelation when you think about it: God is all I need. Well I'm sure any Sunday school teacher could have told you that.
But then I had to go back to campus. Away from the safety net of fellow Christians who thought like me, and prayed like me, and worshipped like me. Away from comforts of really nice beds, a well planned schedule, and being surrounded by friends I trust. I had to go back to a relatively dark place, where there isn't too much light for God's hand. And I realized again, that is exactly why I'm there: to shed some of his light. To do that though, is again really more difficult than I or anyone else can imagine. To put him first and to put his wishes for my life first is hard. To listen to him in not only a dark place, but noisy as well. To hear what HE wants, before what I want. And that includes being with him as well as spreading his light.
For awhile there, classes seemed really minuscule. I have a great friend who was on a three month mission trip in a really dangerous country and I was like, YEAH, that's what I should be doing. But I'm stuck here, taking classes. What the heck??
And I struggled, and I still didn't spend time with him everyday, and I still ignored him, and I was supposed to be shining his light. And during this time, I felt really distant, and really cold, and not myself, even though I actually still don't know who myself is yet. And then I talked to the leader of our chapter, who isn't just a leader, but a mentor, and he pointed out that my calling right now was to be a student. And that I can still glorify God through that. *face palm* Why hadn't I seen that?? Again, very simple revelation but it felt like a huge weight was off my shoulders and I began to breath again.
Don't get me wrong, I had very awesome classes to be "stuck" with. In fact, this has been my favorite semester class wise as it was all theatre, all the time. I just didn't know how everything was fitting. But as I began to ease up and not be so hard on myself, I began to enjoy the people around me more, whom I see on a daily basis. Even though I still don't know them well, I see beautiful things happening, conversations flowing, and love being shed. Therefore His love being shed.
I'm haven't mastered anything that Hes asked of me from Sonburst. I'm still not spending time with him everyday. I'm still struggling with living for him and not for me. I'm still not trusting his timing completely. But all this can only resolve from a strong change of pace from my living attitude.
Thanks for reading my first of hopefully many. I don't know how interesting this is, but I thought Id give it a go.
Blessings and sweet tea!
