A bad taste in my mouth

I have a bad taste in my mouth full of jealousy and
discontentedness. Two areas I’ve been trying to work on- and it hasn’t been
easy. However, as wise people always say: Nothing worth it ever is!

I feel stuck in a place in my “career”- if you can call it
that- which is incredibly discouraging. I know I’m here, (in Orlando), and not
on an internship, (someplace cool), for a reason. Maybe so I could have the
chance to lead bible studies, or to reach people I normally wouldn’t get to
reach, or maybe to work on my tan. However, I can’t help but feel that all of this
could have taken place without me.

Maybe the big reason I’m here is to continue learning how to
trust God. And here in Orlando is how I’m going to learn vs. someplace exotic
and cool, like… Seattle.

God is notorious for showing up in my life and opening doors
out of the normal. For example, most of my BFA class got in on their first
round of auditions. I didn’t get in until the first week before school was about
to start my freshman year. Another example is I had to retake music theory 1,
which set me in different set of classes each other, and took a lot patience and a lot of prayer, but I got through it! SO I know this whole internship thing will
work out. It just won’t be in the timeline that I specifically wanted. But
where in the big book of life did it say anything about me getting my way all
the time?

In the meanwhile, I struggle to keep my focus clear and on
Christ. Following his lead on loving others and being slow to anger, and the
like. Theres a lot that can distract me and one of those areas
is guys. Therefore, I’m purposely staying single for another 6 months in an
attempt to stay focused on my relationship with God, and actively pursue what
it means to really date and court and get to know someone. I also want to work
through any baggage that I don’t want going into relationships; Whether that be
fears or past hurts or whatever. I figure I want God to be the center of my
marriage, so that has to start in my dating life. And while the flashy fake
diamond ring on my hand looks great, it’s a reminder of my promise, not an
engagement ring of any type.

I’m reading a couple of books that are challenging and
helping me along my 6 months journey:

The first is, “Knight in Shining Armor” by PB Wilson. She is
the one who suggests 6 months, since it takes 6 months to really get to know
someone. So why not really get to know the creator of the universe?

The second one is called, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” by
Joshua Harris. Not a very popular book based on the title. When I first heard
about it a couple years ago, I scoffed at the idea of PURPOSELY not dating. Why
would anyone even think about doing that? My boy crazy mind was having enough
trouble not dating as it was, I didn’t need to take any more time off. But-boy-
was I wrong. I need to take more time off. I’m so good at emotionally attaching
myself to guys and putting unrealistic expectations on them, that sometimes I
don’t realize who I’m actually looking at vs. who I’ve thought them up to be. And
this book gets to the nitty gritty of that kind of thinking and why it can
hinder relationships.

The third and final one is called, The Journey of Desire by
John Eldredge- one of the best authors of his time, in my opinion. I picked up
this book after a particularly long day at work, and I was tired of the
depressing mood I found myself in, and BAM the first chapter was everything I
had been feeling. About feeling stuck, and discontent, and knowing that there
IS life after Harry Potter World. I had been feeling overwhelmed at the
prospect of all the uncertainty I’ll be facing in my career, and I frankly felt
like giving up.

Then I took a long hard look at why I love to act, and John
Eldredge said it best on page 3:

“Something in your heart says, ‘Finally-it has come. This is
what I was made for.”

I’ve found that it’s true. I’m not made to do anything else.

Well, first and foremost, I’m made to point people to God. I
plan to do that through entertainment. My grades in high school could have
easily put me in any other major, but when the theatre door knocked, I
answered-because this is what I am made to do and will continue to do for the
rest of my life. What exactly I’ll be doing everyday and where I’ll be going
everyday is up for grabs. And I am okay with that! I’m glad I don’t have to
plan every second of my life. I’m glad I can leave room for God to do his
thing. And I’m glad I’m learning how to follow his lead.

So while Paul wasn’t happy about being stuck in prison in
Philippi, he didn’t waste his time dwelling on the fact that he was “stuck.” He
used his time wisely. And while I don’t fancy on being in ridiculously hot Orlando
the rest of the summer, I have a lot of things to do. Like continuing to grow
my relationship with my parents, and rekindling friendships, and learning how
to trust the big guy upstairs!

~Angela

A long while

As
I logged on to this site, I realized it had been a while since I last blogged--
it's basically been a year, which is why remembering my username and password
was a huge achievement!

Instead
of deleting all my old posts, I'm going to leave them up there, as an
informative exercise to what I was thinking and figuring out-which is the whole
purpose of blogging anyway!

I
am going to pick this back up for the summer with a couple incentives to keep
me on track:

1)
I'll be having a bit more time to do things like this.

2)
I'm going through a book which allows me to journal the experience, so I
figured my experience may be helpful to other girls my age!

3)
The more I blog about the above experience, the more I'll stay on track and
will actually do it.

and
4) my sister has left me this summer, so this is a great way to keep her
informed ;)

So
there you have it! Posts are coming! You don't even have to read this one! I
wanted to lay this out here for myself!

Hope
you are doing well, you in the blogging community!!

I love death.

I love death.



What I don't love is how I'm going to die, or how I could die, or others that I love dying. But as an actual transition from life to death...its not bad.



I mean, I'm going from a pretty crappy place (earth) to eternal life! Life of eternity, in heaven. It's supposed to be paradise. At least that's what they say on the radio.



Ahhhh heaven, the eternal place of sunshine, and lollipops, ancestors and relatives who have already gone before you, dogs and the rainbow bridge, and those golden gates, I mean c'mon! So awesome!



However, I think there's something missing in that statement above. Because in that idea of heaven, after awhile it seems...well boring...so what do you DO in heaven? Sit on a nice puffy cloud all the time, eating manna...or chocolate fondue?



I do believe I've said this is my other blogs at one point, but I STILL have a severe issue with the statement, "I'm a good person, so I'll be fine!" or "I'm doing all I can ,that will be enough to go to heaven."



Why are we working so hard to get to a place, where all were going to do is sit on a puffy cloud all day eating bon-bons? People are so worried about this place. This paradise. Eternal separation from the cruel world.



That's a better way of putting I think: Eternal separation from the cruel world. This cruel world we are in right now, where nothing is fair, nothing is justified, people pretty much stink, and we are always in pain. (either in the literal or emotional sense of pain)



Who wouldn't want to NOT go to heaven? I want to go there! I want to get out of this hell-hole called earth thank you very much, please, and thank you!



But there is one small problem. One thing that these Christian people seem to keep harping on... heaven is created by God.



Actually, even in the Hindu religion, even in the indigenous religions--heaven, the eternal dwelling place was created by God or God(s). And if that's true... doesn't that mean God is in heaven?



Now, Buddhists are quite a different story...something about reaching total liberation...almost like total zen, but I'm going off the Christian understanding of what heaven is, for the purposes of this blog.



God created heaven and earth, so, where is he? He's certainly not here on earth in the literal human being sense, so the only plausible conclusion is: he is in heaven. Even in Greek and Roman religions, the Gods dwell in the Heavens, and would sometimes become incarnate, or become flesh, and come here to earth.



So coming off a statement excluding God completely and including heaven such as, "I'm a good person, that will help" or "I'll be fine," or "I should be going to heaven"...its not a question of whether you will or not, its the question of why are you even interested in a place that includes God being there 100% of the time?



Hey, it is great that there is an interest in heaven. Its a topic of constant question and curiosity, but how can we even talk of an eternal dwelling place that is supposedly perfect, and excludes God if we couldn't have a place of just dwelling (earth), that, already, excludes God, and is apparently not perfect?



What makes people think that we can be perfect after we die if we don't have God?



Of course we could just not have life after death and we could just die.



That sucks. That really sucks. That is depressing, morbid, and asks the question of why don't we all just go jump off a cliff? Whats the point?



I would like to think I have a point to this life. I would like to believe I didn't get put on this earth by some evolutionary process that provides me with no answers to the why questions.

Not only would I like to think AND believe in God, just because its a more positive route, I would rather believe its true.



True that we didn't happen, just because the universe decided we should live.



What do people seek most? Purpose and love.



What commandment did God say was the biggest one? To love God and to love one another.



In that commandment I find purpose: to go out and actively love one another and to actively love God.



And I find love. That commandment is dripping and oozing love.



Funny that the number one commandment God gave us, is the hardest. Just a thought there.



Why, would humans as a race, work towards a purpose, if we don't have one? Why is everyone always looking for something to do in this world if it's not going to matter? Why are we still not a dog eat dog world, if we are an evolutionary process? Why didn't our "DNA ancestors" of neanderthal descendant turn out like we did? They certainly had enough time to become like us. And science also never gave us a definite answer as to where we actually descended from. That's fun. That's real certain.

If we are descendant from the neanderthal clan, why didn't they survive like us? Why did our species grow and they die out? Why aren't other species acting like us? God knows there are similarities, but why are we the ones who apparently know all the answers?



So, Why did religion get started in the first place? Why did such primitive beings have religion at all? Man made religion, yes, but what inside him wanted to have religion? I'm talking plain religion, the concept of God. Where did that come from? "People" didn't just make religion yesterday...


That's a lot of questions.


I don't believe we are a coincidence. I know we are not a coincidence. Science will never tell us why we are here on earth. That's a true statement. Science may tell us how we work, how the world around us works, and can do some great things for our future. But it will only speculate on why we are here.



We were conceived out of love as an idea and a being, through God and through our parents. They made love, and are loving what they made. God is love, wanted to love, and decided to love. He created us out of love and to love us.



All we have to do...not cut off our right arm, not poke out our left eyeball, not dye our skin purple, (although some people would probably prefer all that)...all we have to do...all that is, not required, but expected of US, as a human race, is to love.



Love, keep loving, love God, love.



And THAT, is what makes me love death. I will not be going to a place of uncertainty, but a place of love.

God in everyday life?

How do you figure the Bible is relevant after all these years? Were not talking a couple decades, were talking 2,000 + years. I'm not questioning the authority or truth of the Bible, that is a different discussion. I'm talking about, if the Bible is true and good, how does it apply to my life? How does it apply to yours? After all these people and Jesus lived in a different world practically. They certainly didn't have the luxuries of Starbucks on every corner....

I have been reading the Bible almost constantly these days, learning, praying, figuring out why God is truth, and yearning to want to know him more. I've spent a great deal of that time in the new testament, as thats where Jesus came in. Why should I read a bunch of history in the old testament? Maybe when I have nothing to do someday, like on a pregnancy leave or something.

What I want is the real life, gritty, get down to living type of stuff. Things that can apply to my everyday life sorta stuff.

Little did I know that very searching would lead me to Proverbs....and guess where that is?

I guess I sometimes forget that, in a complicated triune, God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are all one. So of course He wouldnt leave us hanging B.C.!

Now, I've always liked proverbs. Especially the whole Proverbs 31 case: "A wife of noble character, who can find? She is worth far more than rubies."

DANG JESUS! I'm worth far more than rubies? You can keep goin with that idea!

Well, for once, I read more of Proverbs. More in the beginning of the book. I went to the Proverbs of Solomon. Much of what they say is not only true and good, but EXTREMELY relevant to our everyday lives.

For example: 10:17 "He who heeds discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads others astray."
Think about it: when your disciplined, your life goes somewhere. Whether its in manners, studying, or focus, your life will be on the move. But when you ignore correction, your ganna bring others down with you, one way or the other.

Another verse that goes along with the above:
Chapter 12:1: "Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid."
Stupid. Its right there in the Bible. Who knew?

Then theres some harder stuff. Stuff thats not always easy to do, but sure looks good on paper.
Chapter 12: 16 "A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult."
Whew. I know I'm not always prudent.

Chapter 12: 25 "An anxious heart wieghs a man down, but kind word cheers him up."
Thats true where I come from, whata bout you? Now do I do this everyday? Nope. Do I do this everyother day? Nope. When do I do this? I have no idea.

Chapter 15:1 "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
Hmmm....

And then there are verses that are like bombs:
Chapter 20: 6 "Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?"
Chapter 21: 2 "All a man's ways seem right to him, but the LORD weighs the heart."
Chapter 21: 30 "There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the Lord."

Whoever said the Bible is life's little instruction book, was wrong. Theres nothing little about it. It takes guts, it takes prudence, it even takes stubborness and a strong will to follow Jesus. It takes another kind of person to go against him. The instructions are laid out, clearly, for everyday living purposes.

My question now isn't Is God here in my everyday life, it's when do I start following him in my everyday life?

"As water reflects the face, so a man's heart reflects the man." Proverbs 27: 19

Unlocking Me

When I was in middle school I was always concerned about how I slightly changed my personality depending on whom I was talking to, if I was in a group or not, where I was, etc. I kept telling Galyana (my best friend since 6th grade), that I felt not normal for behaving this way. I didn't like that I kept changing, or had to change, and wished that I could just "be me" around everybody no matter the situation.

I now know that A) I am relatively normal (or as normal as an actor can be)
and B) that altering personalities, or using different "me's", is a construction of who I am.

The question, who am I, was posed in my head at the end of this past weekend. I went with my Intervarsity Chapter to Vero beach for a spring leadership conference. I experienced a high intensity emotional roller coaster and am proud to say that " I survived spring leadership training!" The Lord spoke to me in dramatic ways including a movie clip from the Guardian, fellowship, nature, and isolation.
(because, ya know, none of those things ever happen in my daily life-I had to drive an hour and a half to get unplugged and to be able to listen and get smacked...gosh)

During the weekend though, he showed me, yet again, what and who I've been putting before my relationship with him and he truly astounded me. I put a lot into my friendships-more than I should, to the point where others have a significant influence on my emotions, on a regular basis. I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume everyone does this/ or has done this / and at least knows what I'm talking about. I've come to discover even though this may be normal for most of society, it should not be normal for me.

My reactions and processes of my friendships have a hold on me in a way that influences the shaping of my personality. Here's what it says in my acting textbook:

"It is this interaction with your world-this give and take of acting and reacting, this adjustment of your behavior to fit your circumstances and those with whom you interact-that shapes and expresses your personality, your character, in everyday life."

I suppose my battle now is to A) not loose the society norm, since I need it for the stage and also B) to allow Jesus to be my main influence. I realize others will always influence me, I'm not trying to loose that-I don't think I could if I wanted to- but I am trying to allow Jesus, my rescuer and hero, to be the central influence over my life.

"It is an ongoing process; as your circumstances, needs, and relationships change, they cause changes in you as a person."

So, I am not just looking for change-I am seeking it. Because, really, my life as a Christian and as a performer will never be normal and I'm learning to love that fact.

Seeking change will no doubt bring about more aspects of my personality that I will incorporate into my everyday life, and as long as those changes stem from Jesus Christ, I can rest assured that I am normal in his eyes.

What Everyone Can Learn from Acting Class

LISTEN. PROCESS. REACT.

What a concept. As humans I think were more prone to the latter out of the three and completely sidestepping the first two. OR some people listen but are totally devoid of the last. And most of the time we skip the middle part all together.

In acting 3, were doing these awesome exercises called Yin Yan. They are supposed to teach us to stay in the moment using the above three words. We are allowed to develop our own dramatic scenario and in the yin yan, one has to be completely resolved to leave and the other has to try and stop them. ...this is all improved, which is the scarier part, because it actually has to deal with our real feelings. Its like stepping out onto a mine field; you don't know where the trigger is going to be. But as actors, we want the triggers to go off, so we can have something to play with.

So once we get over the fear of actually going up and stepping onto the field, we have to play. The key to the yin yan is listening. As storytellers, our natural instinct is to want to drive the scene forward, and to talk when there are silences, to fix whatever the problem is the best way we know how. But in reality its not about the scene its about the relationship.

And that means its not about me, its about THEM. (whoa)

We discovered in class today that the improvs were a lot more interesting when they loved each other. Everyone thinks drama is drama, and that theres all this hate and thats how to get a great dramatic scene. But thats not it at all, its when you love someone and you feel like your gut is getting wrenched out, thats the juicy stuff!

So loving the other person first and foremost and having that love shine through in everything you say, after you listen and process what they told you.

Haven't we seen this before?

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. (James 1:19)

Interesting. It doesnt say do not speak. It doesnt say do not become angry. Its just saying, you better have a good reason to do so.

It is actually very interesting because society says to hide feelings. Society says people who are emotional are weak. And while, the Bible says not to hide feelings, it does say to clip your tongue.

Therefore, I'm finding acting ridiculously hard as I'm not one to throw many temper tantrums. Even as a kid, I was pretty quiet (and very shy). I am good at confrontation, but its always calm, or as calm as can be. I'm not scared of it. I'm not even scared of raising my voice or putting in a bad tone, but these are the things that hurt people the most. (which is why in the bible it says to watch what you say) Hurting people by how I say something isnt exactly on my to do list everyday.

So thank goodness for stage. Where yelling, screaming, and hurting people intentionally is allowed. Because frankly, who hasn't imagined a calm confrontation going off the deep end? And really, its fun and exciting to "loose it" once in awhile. Don't get me wrong, most actors don't loose control. Your not suppose to.

This brings me to another conclusion: while there is good reason not to be angry and blow up at everyone every second, why are ALL of our feelings hidden? Yes, I shouldnt yell and curse, but why hide love? Everyone loves and everyone loves back. So why not say it? Or say hey, your interesting. or I'm interested. Why in our society where we "communicate" all the time, do we not communicate what we actually feel?

I'm guessing, because we don't like to feel hurt. Well, isn't that a boring life.
I guess Ill just go to theatre then.

What change of pace?

My fall semester of sophomore year proved much more challenging than the two semesters in freshman year combined. Not only did I have a much more rigorous class schedule (I was talking to one of my professors and he called fall semester sophomore year, the Boot camp phase for musical theatre majors), God was also challenging me in new ways that I have never experienced. And he has not backed down since.

As you may or may not have read in my "About Me" section, I am involved with Intervarsity Christian Fellowship. A great organization that spans the nation of college campuses. Every fall, each state has a conference, and for Florida we go to "Sonburst." Appropriate title as we are the sunshine state. Ever since last fall, which was my first christian conference ever, I was psyched to go back, as I was on fire for God. I had never received him in such a way as I did that weekend. Just three days totally transformed my life. So entering this year, I had no doubt in my mind that God would show up, and appropriately or ironically, the conference was centered around God's love.

My mantra for the weekend became: Shatter my world. And as I continuously prayed this, I had no idea how shattered I would become. At the end of the weekend, I knew God was telling me that he was the only being I could rely on, for anything. For happiness, for peace of mind, for advice, for comfort, and for brutal honesty. I could and can find from him all of that and so much more. When everyone else fails me, He doesn't. Because I ask him not to. A pretty simple revelation when you think about it: God is all I need. Well I'm sure any Sunday school teacher could have told you that.

But then I had to go back to campus. Away from the safety net of fellow Christians who thought like me, and prayed like me, and worshipped like me. Away from comforts of really nice beds, a well planned schedule, and being surrounded by friends I trust. I had to go back to a relatively dark place, where there isn't too much light for God's hand. And I realized again, that is exactly why I'm there: to shed some of his light. To do that though, is again really more difficult than I or anyone else can imagine. To put him first and to put his wishes for my life first is hard. To listen to him in not only a dark place, but noisy as well. To hear what HE wants, before what I want. And that includes being with him as well as spreading his light.

For awhile there, classes seemed really minuscule. I have a great friend who was on a three month mission trip in a really dangerous country and I was like, YEAH, that's what I should be doing. But I'm stuck here, taking classes. What the heck??

And I struggled, and I still didn't spend time with him everyday, and I still ignored him, and I was supposed to be shining his light. And during this time, I felt really distant, and really cold, and not myself, even though I actually still don't know who myself is yet. And then I talked to the leader of our chapter, who isn't just a leader, but a mentor, and he pointed out that my calling right now was to be a student. And that I can still glorify God through that. *face palm* Why hadn't I seen that?? Again, very simple revelation but it felt like a huge weight was off my shoulders and I began to breath again.

Don't get me wrong, I had very awesome classes to be "stuck" with. In fact, this has been my favorite semester class wise as it was all theatre, all the time. I just didn't know how everything was fitting. But as I began to ease up and not be so hard on myself, I began to enjoy the people around me more, whom I see on a daily basis. Even though I still don't know them well, I see beautiful things happening, conversations flowing, and love being shed. Therefore His love being shed.


I'm haven't mastered anything that Hes asked of me from Sonburst. I'm still not spending time with him everyday. I'm still struggling with living for him and not for me. I'm still not trusting his timing completely. But all this can only resolve from a strong change of pace from my living attitude.

Thanks for reading my first of hopefully many. I don't know how interesting this is, but I thought Id give it a go.

Blessings and sweet tea!