When I was in middle school I was always concerned about how I slightly changed my personality depending on whom I was talking to, if I was in a group or not, where I was, etc. I kept telling Galyana (my best friend since 6th grade), that I felt not normal for behaving this way. I didn't like that I kept changing, or had to change, and wished that I could just "be me" around everybody no matter the situation.
I now know that A) I am relatively normal (or as normal as an actor can be)
and B) that altering personalities, or using different "me's", is a construction of who I am.
The question, who am I, was posed in my head at the end of this past weekend. I went with my Intervarsity Chapter to Vero beach for a spring leadership conference. I experienced a high intensity emotional roller coaster and am proud to say that " I survived spring leadership training!" The Lord spoke to me in dramatic ways including a movie clip from the Guardian, fellowship, nature, and isolation.
(because, ya know, none of those things ever happen in my daily life-I had to drive an hour and a half to get unplugged and to be able to listen and get smacked...gosh)
During the weekend though, he showed me, yet again, what and who I've been putting before my relationship with him and he truly astounded me. I put a lot into my friendships-more than I should, to the point where others have a significant influence on my emotions, on a regular basis. I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume everyone does this/ or has done this / and at least knows what I'm talking about. I've come to discover even though this may be normal for most of society, it should not be normal for me.
My reactions and processes of my friendships have a hold on me in a way that influences the shaping of my personality. Here's what it says in my acting textbook:
"It is this interaction with your world-this give and take of acting and reacting, this adjustment of your behavior to fit your circumstances and those with whom you interact-that shapes and expresses your personality, your character, in everyday life."
I suppose my battle now is to A) not loose the society norm, since I need it for the stage and also B) to allow Jesus to be my main influence. I realize others will always influence me, I'm not trying to loose that-I don't think I could if I wanted to- but I am trying to allow Jesus, my rescuer and hero, to be the central influence over my life.
"It is an ongoing process; as your circumstances, needs, and relationships change, they cause changes in you as a person."
So, I am not just looking for change-I am seeking it. Because, really, my life as a Christian and as a performer will never be normal and I'm learning to love that fact.
Seeking change will no doubt bring about more aspects of my personality that I will incorporate into my everyday life, and as long as those changes stem from Jesus Christ, I can rest assured that I am normal in his eyes.
