A bad taste in my mouth

I have a bad taste in my mouth full of jealousy and
discontentedness. Two areas I’ve been trying to work on- and it hasn’t been
easy. However, as wise people always say: Nothing worth it ever is!

I feel stuck in a place in my “career”- if you can call it
that- which is incredibly discouraging. I know I’m here, (in Orlando), and not
on an internship, (someplace cool), for a reason. Maybe so I could have the
chance to lead bible studies, or to reach people I normally wouldn’t get to
reach, or maybe to work on my tan. However, I can’t help but feel that all of this
could have taken place without me.

Maybe the big reason I’m here is to continue learning how to
trust God. And here in Orlando is how I’m going to learn vs. someplace exotic
and cool, like… Seattle.

God is notorious for showing up in my life and opening doors
out of the normal. For example, most of my BFA class got in on their first
round of auditions. I didn’t get in until the first week before school was about
to start my freshman year. Another example is I had to retake music theory 1,
which set me in different set of classes each other, and took a lot patience and a lot of prayer, but I got through it! SO I know this whole internship thing will
work out. It just won’t be in the timeline that I specifically wanted. But
where in the big book of life did it say anything about me getting my way all
the time?

In the meanwhile, I struggle to keep my focus clear and on
Christ. Following his lead on loving others and being slow to anger, and the
like. Theres a lot that can distract me and one of those areas
is guys. Therefore, I’m purposely staying single for another 6 months in an
attempt to stay focused on my relationship with God, and actively pursue what
it means to really date and court and get to know someone. I also want to work
through any baggage that I don’t want going into relationships; Whether that be
fears or past hurts or whatever. I figure I want God to be the center of my
marriage, so that has to start in my dating life. And while the flashy fake
diamond ring on my hand looks great, it’s a reminder of my promise, not an
engagement ring of any type.

I’m reading a couple of books that are challenging and
helping me along my 6 months journey:

The first is, “Knight in Shining Armor” by PB Wilson. She is
the one who suggests 6 months, since it takes 6 months to really get to know
someone. So why not really get to know the creator of the universe?

The second one is called, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” by
Joshua Harris. Not a very popular book based on the title. When I first heard
about it a couple years ago, I scoffed at the idea of PURPOSELY not dating. Why
would anyone even think about doing that? My boy crazy mind was having enough
trouble not dating as it was, I didn’t need to take any more time off. But-boy-
was I wrong. I need to take more time off. I’m so good at emotionally attaching
myself to guys and putting unrealistic expectations on them, that sometimes I
don’t realize who I’m actually looking at vs. who I’ve thought them up to be. And
this book gets to the nitty gritty of that kind of thinking and why it can
hinder relationships.

The third and final one is called, The Journey of Desire by
John Eldredge- one of the best authors of his time, in my opinion. I picked up
this book after a particularly long day at work, and I was tired of the
depressing mood I found myself in, and BAM the first chapter was everything I
had been feeling. About feeling stuck, and discontent, and knowing that there
IS life after Harry Potter World. I had been feeling overwhelmed at the
prospect of all the uncertainty I’ll be facing in my career, and I frankly felt
like giving up.

Then I took a long hard look at why I love to act, and John
Eldredge said it best on page 3:

“Something in your heart says, ‘Finally-it has come. This is
what I was made for.”

I’ve found that it’s true. I’m not made to do anything else.

Well, first and foremost, I’m made to point people to God. I
plan to do that through entertainment. My grades in high school could have
easily put me in any other major, but when the theatre door knocked, I
answered-because this is what I am made to do and will continue to do for the
rest of my life. What exactly I’ll be doing everyday and where I’ll be going
everyday is up for grabs. And I am okay with that! I’m glad I don’t have to
plan every second of my life. I’m glad I can leave room for God to do his
thing. And I’m glad I’m learning how to follow his lead.

So while Paul wasn’t happy about being stuck in prison in
Philippi, he didn’t waste his time dwelling on the fact that he was “stuck.” He
used his time wisely. And while I don’t fancy on being in ridiculously hot Orlando
the rest of the summer, I have a lot of things to do. Like continuing to grow
my relationship with my parents, and rekindling friendships, and learning how
to trust the big guy upstairs!

~Angela